I hated maternity leave. Yup, sure did. All those idyllic images of walks with my baby in a stroller through the park while sipping my Starbucks non-fat chai latte in my lulu lemon outfit (this image also included a fully toned, baby weight ridden version of myself...just so we are all on the same page of altered reality) all went out the window on my first solo outing with baby in tow.
It looked more like this: washed hair that air dried - think Nick Nolte's mug shot...if you haven't seen it, Google it - trust me, you need the visual. Dirty x-large Old Navy sweatpants...lulu lemon doesn't make size “mommy doesn't have a nanny so she's still the size of a truck" but thankfully Old Navy does. While getting the stroller out of the car, the dog jumped out, coffee spilled on my pants, the stroller and the dog - serves him right - and woke the baby. Urg. The "walk" lasted about five minutes before the screams shamed me into getting back into the car to both hide...and cry.
I can laugh at it now...after a numbing glass of wine.
Anyway, I learned that the mall is a much better place to 'walk' with a newborn. It's also instant therapy. Every time I caught a glimpse of myself in a window and after the shudder of disappointment and self-loathing was over, I could buy a purse...because my 'purse size' hadn't changed.
And this is where I saw them for the first time. Stroller-Gangs.
I remember walking past the mall coffee shop, seeing a group of mom's sitting together sipping coffee and chatting while bouncing their new born babies or rocking their strollers back and forth in almost a hypnotic rhythm of calm. This was a vision...maybe a mirage.
I didn’t realize how deprived I was of social interaction until I came upon this group of cohorts. The sense of longing and the need to belong was so overwhelming I had to steady myself in fear that might run over to one of those mom's and throw my arms around them.
I kept my composure, ordered my coffee and proceeded to an empty table as close to the group as possible. Like a teenage girl on a first date or the new kid in the playground I would glance over and smile at the group and waited for the inevitable invitation to join their merry group.
The invitation never came.
I remember feeling like the pimple faced chubby kid at the grade 8 school dance leaning against the wall, waiting to be asked to dance but knowing deep down inside that the only dancing I would be doing was the 80's side-to-side step. You know the one.
It was only when I noticed a few moms’ staring at me that I realized my child was screaming at me from her stroller. I quickly got up, left my coffee untouched on the table and hastily made my exit.
I wish this story had a better ending. I wish I could tell you that as I ran away down the hall of this shopping centre that one or all of the mom's followed me asking if I needed assistance. But that's a fairy tale and this is life. I wish that I could tell you that this didn't happen to me many other times and in different locations until I gave up trying and ended up spending my afternoons in Chapters, my child in a sling, sipping my chai latte and reading the novels I never had the time to read before.
A few months later when having coffee in an outdoor cafe with my sister and daughter I noticed a lady sitting on her own with a newborn, sipping her coffee while her baby slept. I could recognize that look anywhere...I had seen it many times in the mirror.
I think I startled her a little when I said "hello" and started the conversation with "it's lonely isn't it?" We ended up turning our chairs to face each other and chatted about the struggles of being a new mom, the changes to your life and its demands and most importantly, how utterly alone you can feel.
To this day people are shocked when I talk about this or when I make comments about what I experienced. My friends who are pregnant now or who are new mom's look at me a little cautiously when I tell them the ugly truth's about pregnancy, birth and the first days of being alone with a child and thinking "how the hell am I going to do this".
Now I'm not saying that everyone goes through this or that it's all bad, quite the contrary. I wish that someone had said to me: you are going to have days that you have no idea why you did this! Days where you wish you could run away, days where you long for your old life and its freedoms. But then you are going to have those days where it all makes sense and no words can describe the love you feel for this child who looks at you as if to say "I'm here because of you."
These days I have 'those' days all the time. The love I have for my child was worth every bit of pain, hurt, struggle, loneliness I ever felt. I just wish someone had been honest with me about what I might face.
So, new mom's - when another mom says "oh Jimmy was sleeping through the night at 7 days old..." or "Emily? She eats like a champ, poops twice a day and is always happy".
They are full of shit. Plain and simple.
Interaction and friendship are necessities of life. As women and ESPECIALLY as new mothers, let’s be kinder to each other. Instead of staring at the mother whose child is screaming, lean over and say with a smile "been there." We all have.
