Swear words don't bother me. I swear. I swear a lot. I know it's a lazy way to express myself but sometimes saying FCUK! feels better than DAMN. Just does. I don't even get offended by 'that' word...you know the one that all women hate apparently? I don't like it or use it but I'm not particularly bothered by it either.
There is however a word that not only gives me chills but actually makes my stomach turn and can make me instantly incensed…Colic.
I think my ‘baby bliss’ lasted about 12 hours.
And then the crying wouldn’t stop.
At first she would cry for an hour…I thought that was bad but I had no idea what I was in store for.
I’ll never forget the look on my husband’s face. He left for work for his first day back after the birth of our daughter. I was in my bathrobe, she in my arms…screaming. Although completely unfair, I hated him a little for it and he knew it. He was able to escape...I was not.
But that’s not the look that is burned into my memory that every now and then surfaces and gives me a little twang somewhere deep in my heart. It was the look when he arrived home after a full day of work to find me in my bathrobe…she in my arms…screaming.
The weeks that followed were the same…some days better and some worse. It’s interesting what happens to you. You would think that it would numb you or that you would somehow get used to the sound but to this day, a screaming child rocks me to my core.
I won’t depress you with the details on the many trips to the doctors office where I begged, crying and pleading for her to check to see what was wrong. I was told is “she’s got colic” and was sent home time after time. I remember one time my doctor saying, “I’m worried about you” and I think my response was “so am I”.
I looked up the description for Colic in every book and website I could find but the description never changed. I was perplexed. Was it only me that read this description and realised it meant nothing? I mean really, it basically says "we don't know what's wrong with your baby so we'll give it a name and send you home until it goes away".
I was perplexed. I was frustrated. I felt cheated. I felt alone. I felt abandoned. I was angry.
I wanted help.
It's funny how life works. The person who finally helped me? my daughter. How? She threw up blood.
As we waited to see a doctor in emergency all I could think of was...if they say the word "colic" I'm going to punch someone in the face, directly in the face.
You can imagine my surprise when they head paediatrician looked at me and said "your child has reflux, probably a sever case." she hadn't even touched her...she got this from my explanation of what we had endured the last four weeks.
I weep when I think about it to this day. My child suffered in pain and agony for 4 weeks to the point that her insides were raw and began to bleed...and I did nothing to help her. Aren't we supposed to protect them? Fight for them? it doesn't matter what anyone says, I fell like I failed her. I am her mother, I knew something was wrong and I should have fought harder.
We spent the next week in hospital with her, her one arm bare because of the IV drip...oh did I fail to mention he was severely dehydrated too? and had a milk allergy that was undiagnosed?
Oddly, that was the best week I had spent with her until that point. I remember sitting and looking at her as she lay on her back on the hospital bed, looking up at me and I started to cry. No, I started to sob. When the nurse asked me what was wrong all I could say was "this is the first time we've done this..." "done what?" she asked me "it's the first time we've looked each other in the eye's without screaming and wailing". She was a month old.
I'd like to say that it got easier. It got less hard. We had to get to know each other. I think, and I still do to this day that my daughter gets frustrated easily and cries quickly because it's what she knows...she tried so long to tell me what was wrong but I just didn't understand. I try to take my time with her and be patient in hopes that I will teach her better ways to communicate.
Who my daughter is now is almost hard to describe in words. She is truly amazing, remarkable even. She is smart, beyond smart really. She is the funniest person I know, she makes me belly laugh...you know that laugh that makes you cry of joy? She is affectionate and kind and has true good in her heart. My daughter will do great things in this life and in this world, of that I have no doubt.
I write this entry with the hope that it reaches someone that is going through what I went through and that it offers a glimmer of hope and comfort. If someone had said to me back then that I would do it all again just to have this joy in my life now - I might not have believed it. But if it came from someone who felt the sorrow, the pain, the loneliness, the heartbreak, the disappointment, the cheat, and the frustration...well then I would have had some hope. And that might have made it a little easier. I remember once finding a post from a dad who had a baby who suffered from endless hours of crying and I remember finding comfort in his words...yes comfort because it was the first time that I thought "I'm not the only one going through this!".
I feel that as women, mothers and fathers, we need to share the hard times and be honest about what we feel and the struggles we have. I worry that if we aren't honest about the hard times that we will alienate those 'sisters' that need us most.
I love my daughter with every inch of my heart and soul. She has made my life richer and more complete and I thank her every day for being the amazing creature that she is and for bringing so much joy into my life. The struggles I had with her have made me a stronger person and I believe, a better mother. I share these stories not for sympathy or pity, I share them in the hopes that it gives someone, even just one person going through this a sense of hope and maybe even a little comfort.
If you ask me today, "was it worth it?" I'll tell you this - my daughter has made me a better person who loves life and lives it much more fully than I ever have. I love deeper and stronger and I can find joy and beauty in things I never even noticed before. So in other words, HELL YA!
